Author's Note: I am still working on this piece. I don't care for the ending, but I'll get there.
Cleaning Out My Fridge
3 bottles of generic yellow mustard, all upside down: That was to help the mustard come out since they were all almost empty. The October that we met was a sunny one, and there were a lot of Bar-B-Q’s on the front lawn. When people did not want to spend money on meat, they brought along an open condiment jar from their own kitchen. They rarely returned home with them. All our friends lived in shitty apartments, walking-distance apart. There were only a couple grills between us, and we stole them from each others’ porches all the time. You and I preferred the spicy brown mustard, but most of the time, people didn’t bring it.
1 bottle of Chunky Vegetable Ragu sauce: The day after we hooked up for the first time, you told me you were making pasta for dinner, and would I like to come. I said yes, trying to be all cool-girl and nonchalant about it, but I still had butterflies because you were so handsome. I sat at your kitchen table in my skirt with the brown paisleys, watching you stir the noodles on the stove. You probably knew that it made you look even more handsome. We drank our beers quickly. You needed 3 and a half of them before you could put your arm around my shoulders.
1 cardboard carton of eggs, 4 left: The morning after the day after we hooked up for the first time, I woke up with your thick arm slung over my hipbone. Instead of a bed you had a queen-sized air mattress. You made me scrambled eggs as I brushed by teeth with my finger and splashed water on my face. We were clumsy around each other, and I spilled some coffee in your car when you drove me to class. I’m sorry.
a box of frozen Crunchero’s Southwest Beef Taquitos: I gained 6 pounds that fall. You laughed when I told you and said you were subconsciously trying to fatten me up because you were scared I was too thin.
1 jar of Hershey’s hot fudge: Let’s make sundaes with the works, you said, mostly because you knew I was on my period, and you wanted to help. You were good about those kinds of things, never embarrassed to talk about it.
2 Frozen Tyson chicken breasts wrapped in aluminum foil: You need to eat more meat, you said. I can’t afford it, I said. Then you let me study for exams at your apartment while you made White Chicken Chili for dinner. It never got old – being in the kitchen always made you look handsome. Not that you needed the help.
1 bottle of Absolut Vodka, 4 oz’s left: Beth, do you realize that you have a helium balloon tied to your wrist, Jeremy asked. Yeah, how did that get there haha, I said. You’re crazy – where’s your boyfriend, he said. Outside, I said, waiting for his brother – you think I’m too drunk to meet a member of his family? Naw, Jeremy said, it’s your 21st birthday. I need a smoke, I said. Then we went outside where you were already with your brother. The metallic “Happy Birthday” balloon bopping into people along the way. Here, I said to you, help me take this damn thing off.
3 12 oz cans of Genny beer: What we drank when we were poor.
6 oz. brick of sharp cheddar cheese: What we ate to wash down the taste of Genny.
7 Packets of Fire Sauce from Taco
a wilted head of lettuce, 1/3 left: I managed to lose the extra 6 pounds and then some while you were in
a melted slushie, red-flavored: When you were on a train to
1 10 oz. package of frozen ground chuck: I had meant to bake a cake for you when you came back. I had all the frosting and sprinkles and icings, and I even had Lego figures to put on it – a tiny plane and flags and people with backpacks. But then I fell asleep on Sean’s bed and I didn’t have enough time. Even after driving all day, you still had the energy to make me Hamburger Helper and steamed broccoli with melted cheese. Remember how shy we were around each other? Dying to jump at each other like animals, but feeling the strain placed on our limbs by distance and time. It had been a while since either of us had kissed anyone. When we finally did go to bed we didn’t do anything for a while. I just lied on top of you and you held my body. I could not stop shaking, and I remember thinking that this was what it should always feel like to lie with your lover. It should make your whole body shiver, every single time, even when you’re not “doing it”.
a blue gelatin icepack: I couldn’t tell you, but it was nice sometimes when you were sick. Not because I wanted you to be sick, but because it meant I could take care of you. I got to play nurse. I made you tea and rubbed your head and dragged a cold pack over your burning skin. It was sexy, somehow, seeing your big, masculine body weaker than my own skinny frame. You were so vulnerable. Finally, I could do something for you.
a tupperware of leftover corn: Beth honey, you don’t put an open can in the fridge – you have to put that stuff in a plastic container or you’ll get sick, you said. I said, god you think you know everything. You said, it’s the aluminum from the can or something – you just can’t leave the food in it. Trust me, you said. Ok Ok, I said. Whatever you say. Before bed, I googled it because I had to know, and you were right, of course. You usually were.
a gallon of skim milk: you never put cream in your coffee. Or sugar. You said it was because you were a man, and that made me love you even more. Is that strange? Since we never had creamer at your place, I always put in a splash of skim. If we were out of milk, I drank it black like you.
A bag of frozen strawberries: you bought them because it’s cheaper than fresh fruit and they were going to get smashed up anyways. You were a beer-drinker, but it was our last night together for a while so you made strawberry daiquiris as a treat. You were always doing that, making me treats, giving me things I didn’t need.
a package of Hormel’s
a carton of nonfat plain yogurt: All I could eat when you weren’t around.
a can of “chock full of nuts” coffee: I would never have put coffee in the freezer. It still kills me to look at it.
a container of moldy cottage cheese: It was my fault it went bad. I had put it so far back behind everything else that I forgot it was there. Don’t be sad baby – that’s what you told me. We’d see each other again – that’s what you left me with. I toss the carton in the trash, and I feel so stupid because I can’t stop crying.
